While Callahan and Associates is one of the leading organizations for collecting and analyzing credit union data in the United States, there are few credit unions whose call reports always seem to turn up 'missing’ or ‘delayed.’ While complete data is not yet available through our Peer-to-Peer software or on www.creditunions.com, we offer these brief summaries until we can get more concrete performance information.
“Well, it’s been a quiet quarter at Lake Wobegon in Minnesota, your hometown credit union out on the edge of the prairie. Member growth was steady but not too aggressive, much like Pastor Inqvist’s sermon last Sunday on the dangers of cable television and new flavored diet colas. We installed two new ATMs at the Chatterbox Café and at the Whippets’ ball field, but folks still prefer to hand over their weekly deposits to Sven Olafssen at the branch office. Lake Wobegon Credit Union: Where the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the certificate rates are surprisingly competitive.”
While closings and layoffs for this credit union’s SEG made for a difficult first quarter, the new headquarters for Dunder Mifflin Federal Credit Union near the company’s Scranton offices is now open for business. Employees looking to open new accounts are often required to compete in feats of strength against Assistant (to the) Board Member Dwight Schrute. However, those who are victorious not only get access to the best credit card rate in the tri-county area but also a gift for opening the account. Gift choices include a certificate for Chili’s, a customized bobblehead doll, or a “World’s Best Boss” coffee mug.
Metropolis City FCU deserves note for their remarkable willingness to use Kryptonite as collateral against loans. This credit union has suffered some super-bad publicity lately as their former CEO, Lex Luthor, was either voted off the board amidst a consolidation attempt or disintegrated by a giant alien seahorse from Apokolips. Reports vary, and he’s not available for comment. Curious note: for some reason, all ATM vestibules are encased in lead for “security purposes.”
Calls to Director Waylon Smithers blame the recent loss of performance data on a “bald-headed baboon in sector 7G.” However, Smithers is quick to point out that Springfield Nuclear Employees Credit Union is one of most consistently performing financial services institutes around today, citing their credit card rewards program of “donuts, and the promise of more donuts to come.” He sadly reported the recent removal of one of their ATMs from the local Kwik-E-Mart, as it was robbed almost every week for the past 19 years, usually on Sunday evenings at 8 p.m.
Innovators of the McDreamy Mortgage. This housing product was popular in the mid-eighties, and the folks at Seattle Grace Hospital Employees Credit Union plucked it from faded obscurity, rebranded it, and reintroduced to members who just cannot get enough. After only two years of phenomenal success, there are plans to expand or “spin-off” similar products.
Brought to you by the letters N,C,U, and A, and by the numbers 7.75 – 50 basis points below prime!
After the terrible crash of Oceanic Flight 813 a few years ago, things were looking bleak for the airline’s credit union. While the airline has declared bankruptcy, Oceanic Federal Credit Union has merged with the smaller HANSO Foundation Credit Union and rebranded the new entity DHARMA Federal Credit Union.
Unfortunately, year end 5300 report has still not been turned in, and calls to DHARMAFCU’s offices in both Portland and a small, un-named island floating mysteriously in the Pacific Ocean go unanswered. Information from their website notes share rates at 4.8%; highlights 15 ATMs, 16 board members, and 23 total employees; and welcomes 42 new members “from the other side of the island?!?!?!” Look out for polar bears.
P.S. In case you weren’t sure this is an April Fool’s joke, hope you enjoyed!